Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show. (kisses bicep)

Dwight: Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's the perfect situation for me, although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one...and that's out under the porch.

Dwight: A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm...sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight: I have been Michael's number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like...Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You're gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Dwight: Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma!" in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that. I was good.

Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections...there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...

Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.

Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight: Danger.

Dwight: Chu chu chu chu.
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Vietnam sounds.

Dwight: There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying... The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.

Dwight: What is going on here?
Michael: Nothing.
Dwight: Oh, really, nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.

Dwight: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I've been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out.. she was. With a couple of guys, actually... so. Mystery solved.

Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Dwight: It's me. I'm the bobblehead!

Jim: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.

Dwight: And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

Dwight: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Michael: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?
Dwight: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight: Yea...
Michael: What's his name?
Dwight: (long pause) Crentist.
Michael: The dentist's name is crentist?
Dwight: Yea.
Michael: Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Dwight: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

Dwight: When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Dwight: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael: Lifesize.
Dwight: Mmm no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.

Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Dwight: Michael always says "K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid." Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.

Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
Ryan: I don't think you realize what you're saying.

Dwight: Why did Robert Mifflin commit suicide?!
Ryan: He had depression.
Dwight: No! He hated himself! What... is the DHARMA Initiative?!

Dwight: Will Ryan become a loser, slacker like Jim or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions?

Dwight: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is.. "Something Weird Is Going On...colon...What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story...by Michael. With Dwight Schrute."

Dwight: The Japanese camp guards of World War Two always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Dwight: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical?